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Funny Retirement Speech

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Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt,
so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. - Collosians 4:6

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Humor is nearly always appropriate in public speaking and not only gets the audience laughing (and thus relaxed), but sets you at ease as well!  The funny retirement speech sample below makes great use of humor to achieve this effect.  Be sure to read the notes and analyses at the bottom for some key ideas that you can incorporate into your own funny retirement speech...

Funny Retirement Speech Sample

Well, today is the day! This is my last day at the Map Factory. I know many of you are sad – sad because you still have one, two or even twenty years left before you get to retire. Some of you are happy. You’re getting a free meal or possibly because you’re ecstatic to see me go. Anxiety might be what others are feeling – you applied for my job and are awaiting the candidate decision. Well, I have news for you. They’ve done away with my job so you can quit waiting! There’s at least one of you experiencing heart palpitations, sweaty hands and nausea – that would be my lovely wife, Molly, who is going to have to put up with me full time from now on!

Retirement. Doesn’t it sound fabulous? Aren’t you envisioning a sandy beach, temperatures in the 80’s and a cool ocean breeze playing against your skin as you lounge in your deck chair? We all work just so we can retire some day in the future right? That will be a glorious day or so we’ve been told.

Let me give you a little advice from someone looking retirement directly in the eyes. I’m not sure it’s all it’s cracked up to be. Suddenly I’m going from being a respected leader to someone who’s now available to wash the dishes! You gave me a certain amount of deference over the years, probably because I controlled your paycheck, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret! Molly doesn’t care and in fact she’ll be the one controlling my paycheck. There won’t be any deference from that corner!

What about all that available time retirees are supposed to have? You’re thinking golfing, boating, reading, or maybe tinkering in the woodshop. Seriously? Can you picture me in a woodshop? I can see it – me lying on the floor with a perplexed look on my face wondering why my hand is attached to my body but my fingers are not! Some of you have seen me golf – definitely not a sight for the weak-hearted! So what will I do with all my time? I’m considering a second career – counseling new retirees!

You’ve heard that growing old is not for sissies. Well, Bette Davis got it right. One of the keys to a long and productive retirement, they tell me, is staying active. I am excited to get back to something I’ve neglected for awhile – hiking. The dog and I will head out most days because we’re both out of shape. Just an aside here - maybe you could make a schedule amongst yourselves to text me around lunchtime to make sure neither the dog nor I are having a heart attack out on the trail. I’m also looking forward to something completely different for me – t’ai chi! I think the self -discipline will be a great replacement for having to constantly discipline you, my staff.

Seriously, my years here have been some of the best of my life. I will definitely miss the quality of the people and the camaraderie we’ve experienced. I take to heart the immortal words of Dr. Seuss, “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” So I’m smiling. I’ll leave you with one last thought. On those trying days in the office when you long for retirement, just think of me and all the work I’m getting done for Molly!

Funny Retirement Speech Sample Notes

This speech uses humor effectively.  If you've got the capacity to include wit in you speech, then by all means sprinkle it around generously.  It usually works well, especially at more informal situations like retirement ceremonies.  The other option is to use good jokes, though you should use these more wisely and be careful not to turn your speech (which should focus on your retirement) into one long funny-skit with too many jokes.

Despite the humor, the speech above still conveys the basic elements that any retirement speech should include, such as looking to the past, reflecting on the future and being positive and grateful.  For a complete list of everything a retirement speech should focus on, have a look at this speech example.
Looking for a funny retirement speech?  This page has (1) a full-length individual researched and written speech sample for you to look at, and (2) some brief analyses and notes that'll show you the key points you can incorporate into your own speech.